Claims It ‘Rolls Fairer’
In a feat that has baffled architects and concerned neighbors, local board game enthusiast Grant Iose has constructed a 47-foot-tall dice tower in his backyard — a structure now officially taller than his one-story bungalow and, some argue, more structurally sound.
Iose insists it produces the most unbiased dice rolls outside of a particle accelerator. “Standard towers are fine for amateurs and cowards,” he said with a dismissive wave, “but I needed something with actual gravitational authority.”
“It’s not just about fairness, though,” he continued, standing at the base of what neighbors have dubbed Dicezilla. “It’s about ceremony. Gravitas. Making your opponent feel their fate descend like a tiny meteor from the gods.”
The tower, made from reclaimed kallax shelves and “a spiritually significant number of hot glue sticks,” features 65 internal baffles, a spiraling chute, and a wind chime “for dramatic effect”. Iose asserts it improves fairness “by at least 87%”, which he calculated using the time-honored method of shouting, ‘That felt better’ after each roll. He now says he trusts his tower “the way most gamers trust their own understanding of rulebooks — not completely, but enough to keep going anyway.”
Using the ‘Sacred Chute of Chance’ is not without its drawbacks however. Climbing to the top is, “a full-body experience,” Iose admitted, adjusting the utility harness he now wears during game night. The ascent involves a questionable pulley system and what Iose refers to as “the Trust Bridge” — a narrow plank suspended over his compost heap. Players must sign a waiver and pass a brief constitution check before making the climb.
“But it’s worth it,” he insists. “When you hurl your dice downward like the fist of God… gravitas.”
Neighbors have reported mixed feelings, ranging from curiosity to open weeping. “It sounds like a haunted pachinko machine,” said one resident. “We just want to eat dinner in peace.”
City officials remain baffled, with one zoning inspector asking, “Is it residential? Is it recreational? Is it an art piece? We don’t know, but it’s definitely causing a noticeable dip in property values.”
Undeterred, Iose says his next project will be a matching card shuffler that uses “the kind of seriousness usually reserved for quantum physics.”