Victory remains factory-sealed
In a stunning upset that has shaken the puzzle-solving community to its tightly interlocking core, acclaimed jigsaw enthusiast Victor Ious was defeated this weekend not by a 10,000-piece double-sided gradient monstrosity — but by the shrink wrap on a newly released board game.
Eyewitnesses say the confrontation began cordially enough, with Ious donning his signature puzzle gloves and making polite observations like, “Ah, standard thermoplastic polymer seal. Classic.” Confidence quickly gave way to concern, however, when he discovered the wrap had no discernible best corner for tearing.
“He tried peeling it like a banana. Then twisting it like a cap. At one point, he asked if anyone had brought a ceremonial dagger,” reported Candace Landry, a fellow game enthusiast who had gathered for the unboxing event. “Eventually, he just started whispering threats.”
After 47 minutes of fruitless struggle, Ious reportedly stared blankly into the middle distance and muttered, “It’s an allegory. The shrink wrap is the puzzle.”
Industry insiders have confirmed that the packaging was designed by Latvian escape room artists under a contractual clause labeled “chaotic neutral.” When asked for comment, the game’s lead designer simply grinned and said, “No one escapes the cellophane.”
Ious is currently recovering in a quiet room, where he is expected to make a full recovery. Those close to the matter have stated he’s already requested training in blister pack resistance.
In the meantime, the board game remains unplayed — and extremely well-preserved.